I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
