i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Oh god it's open bar.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
