my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
