Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
