It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure