oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
