A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
