Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
my poor anus
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
