I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
