it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
