I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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