giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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