My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
