I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
