he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
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Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
the liver wants what the liver wants
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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