I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
