Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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