Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
