Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
