i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
