I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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