Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Send help, water and tortillas.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
