I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
