I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
