rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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