Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
