the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
