Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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