She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
