I showed him my bush... on skype.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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