I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
