She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things