i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
worst night to have a conscience
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.