After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
my shit smells like andre
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."