Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
