omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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