how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
