I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
