barbara walters just said penis...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
