I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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