matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
