the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
