i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At least life still wants to fuck me.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
