you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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