Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
