I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
