she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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