I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
