Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
