that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
