I don't usually arrange sex via text message
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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