The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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