oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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