i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
