Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
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