so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am mentally ready for anal.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
