I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
