guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
