is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
