i just had sex bonerless
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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