You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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