no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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