What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
