Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
