I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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