I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
