i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
