Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
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