No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize